The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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