is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
