mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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