Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
