I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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