Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
