Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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