I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
