I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
