I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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