He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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