Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
