Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
