peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
