I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
