Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
