you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
