??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
