worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
