my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
