I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
