My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize