I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
