We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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