she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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