we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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