I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
