WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
