you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
