the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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