I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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