JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
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the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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