I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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