I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
