I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
