Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it hurts more in the daytime
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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