do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
