Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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