and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
