I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
