i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
