I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
