Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
