Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Vodka?
Forever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
