Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
