WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
