new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We have started to decorate penises.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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