Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
