Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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