White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
