he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
