I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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