I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
