I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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