So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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