My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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