dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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