i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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